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I Yo Therefore I Am

//by Ryan Taylor//

I downloaded the app “Yo” over the weekend, wondering what all the fuss was about. For those of you not in the Yo-know, Yo is a program that allows its users to…well, it doesn’t allow users to do much beside reduce all communications to an electronic caveman grunt in the mode of Jesse Pinkman.

In other words, people can send push notifications to one another displaying the eponymous “Yo”. Another key feature is the creepy voice that utters the word.

To make the obvious Breaking Bad joke: I assume a hidden Easter egg button will transform the app into Yo Bitch!

Released on April Fool’s Day of this year, the app was initially considered a joke by the public. Yo, however, recently attracted $1.5 million in venture capital, sending the message that the app is no laughing matter. If it’s not an elaborate ruse, then what is the draw of Yo? For starters: Yo users can send Yos to any of their friends who have the app.

Okay. What else?

Well…well that’s it.

Did I mention that the app is now valued at over $5 million?

(I’m as puzzled as you are.)

So I decided to take “Yo” for a spin. I downloaded the app (for free), and in seconds I was ready to Yo.

Too much?

Anyway, when you open the app it first asks you to “sign-up.” After figuring out a tastefully offensive username and a numeric password, “Yo” introduces him(her?)self.

IMG_1986

After ‘tapping here’, Yo offers some justifications for its own existence (more on such things later).

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Or you could just say good morning, like a normal human being. But where’s the fun in that? Maybe it is true what John Lennon sang:

Yo is real, real is Yo
Yo is feeling, feeling Yo
Yo is wanting, to be Yo’d.

And fear not, lest you thought sexting would remain a chore:

IMG_1989If nothing else this app should streamline bootycalls.

Abstinence Education

//by Keith Warren//

Three weeks ago I began an experiment in abstinence.

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Jerk-off abstinence.

And last night I stayed over at a girl’s apartment. I was looking forward to a pleasant evening of sex, however tame I knew it would be. She doesn’t let me press my thumb into her asshole.

She lives at UCLA and I work in Beverly Hills, so no matter how unsatisfying the night might turn out, I’d at least revel in the fifteen minute mosey down Wilshire Boulevard to the office the next morning. After a quaint dinner at a local eatery, we settled in for a movie at her apartment. I’d never seen Night At The Roxbury before, and it was as terrible as I imagined. The outfits were “fun,” if nothing else.

We headed to her bedroom not one head-ticcing moment to soon. The shared room somehow boasted floorspace for two fucking queen beds. And the roomie. Who was in. Instead of out. Should’ve been at a party, but there she was. 

Crying.

Fuck me. Continue reading

Virtual Eunuch feat. Nicki Minaj

By Brian Sonia-Wallace

On this midnight birthday
Daybirth afterbirth afterhours
Untz untz
Womp womp womp
We gather here
In the rosy afterglow of the bomb
To bear witness to the death of sex

This is a eulogy

Not the birth of the next messiah
But the elimination of the procreative tools that create pros,
Who create prose
Prison and palace and reverberation
Auto erotic asphyxiation of the NEXT BEST THING

How do you make art in the Age of Nicki Minaj?

Continue reading

ISIS’ Bitcoin Move a Threat to High Finance

Pando daily and other sources report that ISIS the Islamic State, known in some parts as the Ramadan Rough Riders, have recently joined the bitcoin club.

In the wake of this development, divisions of US and European financial giants are bracing for infrastructure switchover costs in the race to provide state-of-the-art services to enemies of state.

Top industry players have spotted the trend moving militia funding away from centralized government fiat currencies, toward digital and encrypted ‘crypto currencies,’ such as Bitcoin. Money laundering is a high-growth sector and the competition is fierce. Bank of America, Wachovia, BNP Paribas, HSBS and others boast prestigious Capital Markets––Militias, Terrorism, Narcoterrorism divisions.

Banking executives worldwide have been taking emergency meetings with CIA officials. The parties’ interests are aligned here: stay relevant in a digital age where terrorist hands are not forced into heroin distribution deals with various and sundry US forces.

Watch this space.